


no voice, no sound

by BalthTheChaoticGood



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Dean goes non-verbal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s15e18 Despair, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV Sam Winchester, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27565372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BalthTheChaoticGood/pseuds/BalthTheChaoticGood
Summary: When Sam finds Dean on the ground in the bunker, there are so many questions, so much they should talk about. But Dean has lost the ability to find the words, and Sam can barely bring up the energy and courage to ask. All they can do is be there for each other.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 114





	no voice, no sound

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from "No Voice" in the musical Bare: A Pop Opera (because I'm gay and dramatic, cope)
> 
> I wrote this before I saw 15.19, didn't even mean to publish it, but now I need to I think? To get myself through this next week. Anyway I love Sam and I want him to be there for Dean, because damn he needs it. I need it. Give these two a second to grieve, will you??! sheesh. I'm exhausted. have fun with this <3

“Sam.”

Dean’s voice is hoarse, like he can barely get the word out. His eyes are dry, but he sounds like he’s been crying for hours. Sam holds onto him tightly, trying to help him up, but Dean won’t move. Trying to see if Dean is hurt, but there’s not a scratch. Just that broken expression on his face.

“Dean. What happened?”

Dean just shakes his head and buries his face in his palms.

Sam waves over Jack who has been hanging around the doorstep, and together, they manage to pull Dean up and half-carry, half-walk him to his room. They let him down on the bed where Dean’s body immediately goes slack again, all energy gone in an instant. Again, Jack steps back and hangs around uncertainly in the background, so Sam nods at him, trying to sound encouraging. “I’ve got this.”

Jack looks relieved. He nods, then turns around and leaves. The kid must be exhausted, Sam realizes, exhausted and scared and completely overwhelmed by everything that’s happened in the last 24 hours, and Sam knows he’s all these things, too. But there’s no time to dwell on that now. Dean is still more urgent.

“What happened?” he asks again, and when Dean keeps on staring into the middle-distance without showing any reaction, Sam grabs his wrists and shakes him gently. “Dean. _Dean_.”

Slowly, Dean’s eyes focus on Sam. It’s been years since Dean has gone fully non-verbal like that; Sam needs a couple of moments to remember what to do. Right. Short, simple questions with yes-or-no answers. Reassurance. Calm voice. Which is difficult, because it slowly dawns on Sam that it must have been something truly terrible that shook Dean up like this.

“Hey,” Sam says, squeezing Dean’s wrists for a moment to ground him. “I’m here now.”

Dean’s eyes fill up with tears. Sam thinks that means that Dean can hear him.

“Where’s Cas?” Sam asks carefully.

Dean whimpers and pulls himself free from Sam’s grip, again burying his face in his hands.

Right, wrong question. Only yes-or-no answers.

“Is he gone?” Sam asks. He tries so hard to keep his voice steady, but he can’t. He can’t stop thinking about every single person in front of him turning to dust just hours ago, or the static on the radio on the way home, while they were frantically trying to reach anyone they know, or the look on Charlie’s face before she vanished. They’re all gone. Sam won’t let himself think about Eileen, not yet, because if he does, he’s gonna fall apart, and then none of them have a chance.

Eventually, slowly, Dean nods.

Sam closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath. He can’t bear it, any of it. He knows he has to, but for a moment, he feels all of it. The despair. The exhaustion. The grief. He just wants to give up. They have no allies anymore, no family other than the three of them. They’re standing alone against God, and they’re all broken. It feels like they’ve already lost.

“Billy?” Sam asks, his voice shaking. It’s a complicated question with far too many possible answers, but Sam doesn’t manage anything else.

Dean takes a shuddering breath, letting his hands sink into his lap. He nods, then seems to reconsider, then shakes his head.

“Gone, too?”

Dean nods.

At least some good news in all of this.

Sam has so many more questions, but he knows that Dean doesn’t have the energy to answer them. Hell, Sam doesn’t have the courage to hear the answers. Not yet.

Maybe he should leave Dean alone to grief. Maybe he should go make some time to grieve, too. Maybe he should tell Jack about Cas. Maybe he should try some more to get through to anyone, anyone left on this planet, anyone who could be on their side. Maybe he should rest. He needs rest. Desperately.

But then Dean breathes out shakily and slumps forward, his forehead falling against Sam’s shoulder. Sam feels Dean grab a fistful of Sam’s shirt, he feels the way Dean is shaking, feels his shirt collar dampen from Dean’s tears.

Dean holds onto him tightly and cries, and suddenly, Sam can’t stop himself anymore. The pain rips through his chest, claws its way up his spine, fills up his head and escapes him in breathless sobs. He holds onto Dean who holds onto him, the weight of all this loss around them.

“They’re all gone, Dean. Everyone.” Dean doesn’t say anything, but Sam can feel the way Dean tenses when he says it, and then he starts shaking again. Sam pulls him tighter and Dean lets him. They need this. They need each other so much, now more than ever.

Sam wants to say more. He wants to let out his anger, wants to make a promise that they’re gonna make God pay for this, he wants to make an even more impossible promise that they’re going to get everyone back. He wants to find words, any words, to give them something to work with –

But before he can, Dean speaks.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

Sam shivers. Dean’s voice – there’s something in it that Sam has never heard before. Maybe he should ask, but he can’t. He doesn’t have to.

“He loves me. He said he – loved me.”

Hell. No wonder then, that Dean is like this. Sam can’t even imagine… what it must have been like for his brother, to hear Castiel say the words, and then to lose him. Sam can hear it in Dean’s voice: The disbelief, the wonder, the confusion. So, he really didn’t know. Sam was never sure, and he never wanted to ask. Knowing Dean, asking would have made it worse, most likely. He pulls Dean closer to his side, puts his chin on Dean’s head. Tries to make Dean feel what he’s probably not allowed to say, not even now.

But he’s wrong. Because it’s Dean who says then, “Sam, he didn’t know – I never told him – …”

He doesn’t finish the sentence, but this time, for the first time, Sam knows the reason has changed. Dean isn’t scared anymore. He isn’t burying it deep down because he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He can’t say it because now, it’s too late.

“I know,” Sam whispers, holding on tightly. “I know, Dean.”

Another wave of sobs rolls through Dean, his body shaking against Sam’s. All Sam can do is hold onto him, keeping this shapeless, strengthless mass in some form that still resembles his brother. This, Sam decides, this is what he can work with. What will make him pull through. To be there for Dean, who just lost his love.

Sam might not have anything to offer that can fix it, but he has to try. He wants to try now. Make God pay. Find the puzzle piece that makes it all fall into place, save the world. Bring them back. He’s gonna bring them all back, he has to. He has to believe that they can.

Dean falls asleep not much later, cried out and weak. Sam carefully takes off Deans shoes, puts a blanket over him, then takes off his own shoes and lays on his back next to Dean. He needs to be here with his brother. Dean needs him here.

**Author's Note:**

> send me anon hate on [tumblr](https://theuncannybalth.tumblr.com) (or whatever) <3


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